| Hello and welcome to Mind the Gap, a newsletter that adds perspective to the gender developments of the week. THE BIG STORY: Kanye West and the problem of toxic exes Kanye West has been barred from performing at the Grammys due to his 'concerning online behaviour'. Kanye, who now goes by the name Ye, is up for five Grammy awards. The incident that led to the rapper's Grammy disbarment, and 24-hour suspension from Instagram, was a racial slur against Daily Show host Trevor Noah who had expressed concern for West's wife, Kim Kardashian, after she filed for divorce in February. West's online and offline behaviour has been, to be polite, erratic: overkill with a truckload of flowers to Kardashian on Valentine's Day; posting private correspondence from her current boyfriend Pete Davidson; berating Kardashian for 'kidnapping' their daughter Chicago; and leaking private text messages from her. But the commentary around this behaviour has been more in the nature of entertaining sideshow gossip instead of being called out for what is really is: sustained harassment. Abuse is not just physical  Breakthrough India Toxic exes are as old as relationships. In their most extreme form, jilted lovers respond with horrific violence through acid attacks that lead to permanent disfigurement—105 cases (or one every three days) in India in 2020 according to the National Crime Records Bureau. But sometimes a toxic ex is just so miffed at becoming an ex that revenge can take various forms, including says family law specialist Malavika Rajkotia, flat out refusing to give a divorce. S* met her husband through common friends and dated him for four years before getting married and moving to Shimla. "I was at a point in my life where I was looking to connect with someone," she says. "I didn't see the signs." The husband would go off on holiday with his friends, leaving her behind for weeks with no money, she says. She got pregnant. He was indifferent. Her father paid for the delivery. She found a job as a hotel executive. It got worse. He would call her incessantly, especially when she was on night shift. He questioned her interactions with male colleagues. But, she says, "I had to work otherwise my daughter and I would not have survived." In the end, after six years of trying to make it work, she chucked up her job and her marriage and returned to her parents. She wanted no money or support from him. But because he was so furious that she had walked out, he refused to give her the one thing she did want: a divorce. At one point, he took their daughter back to Shimla, without her permission or knowledge. She was able to get back but he managed to drag out the legal proceedings for 20 years. Finally, when the divorce came through, it was on the basis of charges of cruelty that he had filed against her. "I didn't contest it because I was desperate for a divorce, for closure," S told me. Early signs Exes don't just turn toxic. They are toxic from the start. Obsessive controlling behaviour, incessant phone calls to track a partner's movement, control over their social media handles (including what they can and cannot post), stalking, gas-lighting and ghosting are all signs of toxic behaviour. W was only 18 when her older cousin initiated a relationship. "He said he loved me, but was never emotionally available. We'd talk or argue and then he'd just disappear." After a few months they broke up but then he was back, telling her she was now a 'better version' of herself. It didn't work out. J was 26 and working at a call centre when she met her boyfriend through social media. At their first meeting he advised her to change her career and her friends. "He questioned all my decisions. He was very possessive and controlling, but I was taken in," she says. A was in the 11th grade and going through an emotionally vulnerable period when she met her boyfriend. "I was not doing well mentally and he would use that against me, make me feel small," she says. When she tried to end the relationship, he sent her on a guilt trip, telling her he had given up everything for her. Recognising abuse India's domestic violence law passed in 2005 recognises the many forms of abuse. This includes not just physical violence but sexual, verbal, emotional and economic abuse. But, says therapist Biraj Bose, there is a lack of awareness both of the types of abuse and of the protection offered by the law. "Very often victims of abuse do not realise they are even being abused," says another counsellor who asked not to be named. When the person herself does not recognise she is being abused, it becomes difficult to seek any sort of redress. Mediation is often the family, and society's, instinctive response. Daughters are brought up, by and large, to be pliant and maintain family 'honour' at all costs. A victim of abuse typically suffers from low self-esteem and it becomes difficult for her to set boundaries. "The earlier it is accepted, the better it is," says the counsellor. Emotional and other forms of abuse often manifest in physical ailments: inability to sleep, anxiety, hypertension and diabetes. When patients show up with physical problems, doctors are not trained to spot that the root cause might lie elsewhere. One in three women in India have experienced some form of domestic abuse. And while civil society activists and government are working on the ground to stamp out physical violence, less is being said about the other forms of abuse. It's time to start talking. *Names concealed. | 
